Picture this: your teacher is late, and you’re left standing awkwardly by the classroom door. Another student arrives and stands a little too close beside you, and suddenly, the air feels heavy. You’re engulfed in an unbearable weight of anxiety, praying for the turn of a key just to break the silence. Now multiply that feeling infinitely; that is the daily reality of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
Social anxiety goes deeper than typical shyness. While shyness is a personality trait, social anxiety is a mental health condition. The defining difference is the impact: social anxiety can be debilitating, making it difficult to navigate daily life in a ‘normal’ way
Within my experience, interacting with those around me has always been difficult. Yes, I’m scared to talk to people just because it’s naturally nerve-racking, yet there’s this sense of doom when talking with someone. It’s this fear of rejection and constant overthinking that makes it hard to get by in a conversation. It’s difficult to listen to what the other person is saying when my brain is thinking of ten different ways my face might disturb them.
Walking through the school gates and seeing a friend wave brings me much dread. Because I know to expect a conversation, and I have only a few steps to mentally prepare myself for all possibilities. Sometimes I avoid interacting with friends on purpose.
One might think that talking with people I’m comfortable with erases such worries, yet such anxiety doesn’t leave, no matter who you may speak to. Strangers are particularly difficult. It’s a worry of what impression I might leave, what right words to say, and what they are thinking while I speak. All these thoughts plague my head just for a simple “can you plug in my charger?” And then the conversations over. Not even a full one, just a fleeting moment that leaves my mouth dry and my heart aching.
It’s hard to keep up with a conversation if the other person’s not driving it. There’s always this awkward silence when both people are figuring out what to say. And though for most, it’s just an uncomfortable passing moment, for me it feels like a boiling pot that I’ve been dropped into. I’ve literally started sweating in front of people before. And the constant overthinking of what to say, when to say it, and if they even want to continue the conversation plagues my mind till the silence has stretched too long to continue. Even moments after this interaction, the sickness in my stomach remains.
The physical effects are the absolute worst part. Forget about the thoughts involved, imagine me clutching my stomach mid-conversation because I just can’t handle it. My stomach often churns in a way like I’m about to throw up; it’s that sickening feeling like you’re about to explode. I already mentioned the sweating, it’s a disgusting effect that I can’t get over, and I find myself getting out of breath like I just ran a marathon. Just imagine that. Anyone would question if something is wrong with me, and I wouldn’t argue against them.
One might ask how I handle class presentations; it’s a specialized torture that I’m sure most could agree with, it’s like having a bomb strapped to me and no one knows. Despite those who can go up and present with friends to cheer them on, I have never been quite popular. I have never had friends who didn’t also shy away from the attention; I’ve never had a large group of friends to begin with. I try my best to look “presentable”. And by presentable, I mean I try not to look like I’m about to explode with how badly I’m shaking. Yet from what people have told me, I am not very good at hiding this. The comment, “you sounded like you were going to cry up there,” shall forever stick with me.
Ironically, I’m constantly throwing myself into situations where I have to interact with people. A way for me to “overcome” my social anxiety is to throw myself into a situation before I can get out of it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Yet 100% of the time, I trap myself in a situation that has me on the brink of tears, wanting to escape. Most of the time, though, I don’t regret putting myself in those situations. I often enjoy what I’m doing despite the “social” part.
I’ve tried to join three clubs since the school year started, wanna guess how many I’m in now? One. Just one. At first, I wanted to join the debate club, because I had always loved debating (with myself of course). But debating with real people means you’re required to stare someone right in the eyes and tell them their opinion is wrong. A wonderful effect of social anxiety is having a hard time being able to say no or go against others. So, me having to do exactly that in front of real people? After the first meeting, I never came back.
I also wanted to join the culture club, but I got so confused with their dates that I missed the first meeting, and walking in on a random day, knowing no one would have killed me (probably). I’m perfectly fine where I am now with the Condor Insider, minus the heart attacks I get every meeting having to stand in front of everyone. Though I’ve survived (so far). Getting to write what I want is so worth it.
I’m also a part of the school’s choir. I’ve never had a large interest in singing; it was something I put as my last elective option just for fun. But then suddenly I found myself in the choir room asking myself, what am I doing here? I was super nervous at first; I even threw up the first day before I even walked in the classroom, yet everyone was so kind and welcoming. And most were just as nervous as me (probably). Now I really enjoy singing, and I absolutely love choir. So the few days I spent being extremely stressed, were mostly worth it.
From this talk of the things I’ve done, one might think I am good with people despite my anxiety, yet that is far from true. People often tell me I am awkward and hard to become friends with. I am constantly teased by friends for my stutter, as I often mix my words and have to restart full sentences just for someone to understand me. I tend to shake a lot; it’s a physical effect of the anxiety, and a lot of people ask if I’m cold. Most of all though, I’m just too nervous around others that people tend to feel uncomfortable around me, no matter my intentions.
I try to lighten the mood with humor, but I often mess up the joke or laugh a little too loudly. Trying to find a space where someone is comfortable with me is hard, especially with strangers. Building those first connections is the hardest part for most people, yet when the other person starts treating you differently and inches away, it doesn’t exactly give you hope.
I’ve never been good with people, ever. People tell me I’m funny, but that’s only because I’m the one being laughed at. Even the thought of having to interact with people makes me sick. I’m constantly worried about being humiliated and judged, and it leaves a lot of stress and often affects how I go about my daily life.
Despite this, I still try to meet new people and make a good impression. Who doesn’t want to make friends? So even when it gets extremely hard for me, I still try to talk to people. I always try to be kind and helpful, that’s probably the only reason I have friends right now… A core part of me believes that as long as you are nice to others, the awkward parts of you are disregarded (for the most part).
So maybe this anxiety of mine won’t be fixed, but I still have people who want to be around me. That’s what really matters to me. I am forever grateful to those who stick around despite my extreme awkwardness and difficulty communicating. My emotions don’t always come across as I mean them, so for others to be able to deal with that willingly brings me a lot of joy. So I hope that if you’re one of those people dealing with the same issues, you find people who like being around you, and those people will stick beside you no matter what.
