Dependence is a natural human need. It isn’t inherently bad, but relying too heavily on others can be detrimental to our sense of self. When we think of “depending on someone,” we usually picture leaning on another for physical help or trusting them to complete a task. However, the reality of dependency is often much deeper.
Most of us rely on others for validation. Do I look good in this shirt? Is my makeup okay? Does this hairstyle suit me? With the rise of social media, the need for hundreds of likes and comments has become a metric for our self-worth, as if digital praise adds value to who we are. Even if only subconsciously, we have become absorbed in how others perceive us. But if you rely purely on the thoughts of others, who are you when you are alone?
This is where self-worth comes in. Self-worth is your inherent value—the internal belief that you deserve love, respect, and consideration regardless of external factors. Most people, however, let their worth be determined by how others treat them. Being emotionally dependent on those around you can make it feel impossible to find purpose without outside praise.
Have you ever felt you deserved something better after a good deed, or conversely, felt you deserved something bad after a mistake? If someone calls you a “horrible person,” you might start to believe you deserve misfortune—or even begin to wish it upon yourself. But what do you truly think of yourself? Is your value based on what people say behind your back, or what you believe you’ve earned through your actions?
The truth is, no one really knows. Humans are complex, and defining one’s “true self” is a challenge that has frustrated the greatest philosophers. Most people yearn to be understood so that someone else can answer these questions for them. We seek this connection through shared interests and long talks about our pasts, yet we still crave something deeper: the feeling of being completely known, like a character in a novel. But is that level of understanding truly possible?
A perfect example of this is Shinji Ikari from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. In one episode, Shinji rants about how no one understands him. The other characters respond with a harsh but necessary truth: “Of course nobody can understand you! The only person who can sympathize with you and understand you, is you. So be good to yourself.”
This is a powerful message because we have become obsessed with the idea that we need others to “complete” us. The search for someone who will perfectly understand you is often fruitless; it is an impossible connection that most people cannot even establish with themselves. To live with self-reliance is a level of power many cannot comprehend.
Being emotionally dependent isn’t always wrong; asking for an opinion on your outfit isn’t the problem. The danger arises when you become so absorbed in others’ views that you lose your own. Start learning how to depend on yourself. Focus on what makes you happy and how you want to see yourself. As Asuka Langley Soryu once said, “If you want real happiness, you’ve got to find it for yourself! Not wait for someone to give it to you!”
